And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
