I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
