somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
