If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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