fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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