You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
love makes seman taste better
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
