I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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