i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
