I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
