and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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