you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
