dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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