i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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