I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
