i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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