All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
