We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
