is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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