I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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