Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
