Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
