Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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