He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
whose ass print is on the piano?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
