you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
