You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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