I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
