WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
