Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
