I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
