youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's official drugs can't kill me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
