My friends, they love my intelligence
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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