My nipple is on Facebook.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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