I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
