my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
