hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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