Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
love makes seman taste better
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
