He had one of those small greek statue penises
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
