i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Someone shattered a urinal.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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