does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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