I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
