I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
