half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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