If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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