Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
