One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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