Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
