Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
