i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
