Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
