in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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