Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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